Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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