dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
