A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
