I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I am available for nakedness
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Drunk is a universal language darling
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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