Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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