why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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