so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
