mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
my being single is dangerous.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
