He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
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I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
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You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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