Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
