is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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