I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
