Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
