I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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