My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
pray to the hookup gods
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
