like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
