Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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