my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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