my phone needs a breathalizer
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
