There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
