i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
