Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
