He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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