u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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