Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
