allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
