by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
