so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I am spending my child support on dildos
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my shit smells like andre
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
