First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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