i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
