all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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