So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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