he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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