I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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