how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
