Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize