the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
not ubering you a puppy
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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