I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
