I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
