I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
