I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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