she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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