Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize
