This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
