The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We don't watch enough power rangers
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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