totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
