NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
