Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
