guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
