found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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