Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
