census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
