just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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