My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just want nice things and good sex
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
