He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
