so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
