I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
