remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
