it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
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I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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