Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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