dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
