I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
