i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
