turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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