Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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