If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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